Ahead of your couples counseling session you generally know the problems you would like to address, what your partner wants to discuss, and the main areas of your relationship you would both like to work through, right? But have you considered what not to say during your session?
Couples counseling provides a nonjudgemental environment for you and your partner to discuss your feelings. By avoiding certain statements or approaches, you can pave the way for a beneficial experience for you both. This is what not to say and how not to say it during your couples therapy session from the experts at Ritual.
Laying blame on your partner for certain past issues or behaviors and making accusations can be entirely counterproductive during couples therapy or marriage counseling sessions. Instead of making statements that might lead to tension and completely shut down your partner’s desire to communicate openly and honestly, try to be understanding and empathic towards your partner and their feelings. This will ultimately ensure you both get the most out of your couples counseling sessions.
Phrases to avoid: ‘You always do this’ or ‘This is your fault’
Although this one might seem obvious, it can be easy to let slip. Bringing up past relationships, another relationship history, or comparing your current partner to a former one is something to be avoided during your sessions (and during most conversations with your other half). Although past experiences can sometimes offer valuable insights, using them to criticize your partner can make them feel inadequate. Instead, focus on your current relationship and its unique issues.
Phrases to avoid: ‘I had a similar experience with my ex’ or ‘My ex was completely different’
When speaking about past issues or conflicts, remember not to use negative labels or call your partner names. Hearing these words might make your partner want to take a step back rather than a step forward - which is certainly something you want to avoid during your couples therapy or marriage counseling experience. Try to focus on the issue at hand rather than criticizing your other half's past behaviors.
Phrases to avoid: ‘You’re a control freak’ or ‘You’re so selfish’
When we hear opinions about ourselves that we don’t agree with or get negative feedback from someone we care about, it can make us act defensive. However, this is the last thing you want to do during your couples therapy sessions. Getting defensive can set you and your partner up for major roadblocks and will impact any productive communication you may have been having up to that point. Remember to take a step back before reacting and think of what brought you both to counseling in the first place.
Phrases to avoid: ‘I’m not the problem here’ or ‘I didn’t do anything wrong’
Being sarcastic or making a joke when you are discussing serious issues is something that a lot of people do to deflect or cope with discomfort during therapy, but that doesn’t mean you should! Sarcasm and jokey behavior during a couples counseling session can more often than not come across as dismissive and hurtful and can make it difficult to have a productive and serious conversation.
Phrases to avoid: ‘I just love it when you leave the chores to me’ (or similar sarcastic phrases)
Invalidation refers to denying, rejecting, or dismissing someone’s feelings. It can give the impression that a person’s experience or reaction to an experience is inaccurate or insignificant. This is something you want to avoid during your couple's counseling sessions. Even if you don’t understand or entirely agree with your partner’s point of view, it’s crucial to let them know that their feelings are valid. Ignoring or belittling their emotions will only lead to frustration and potentially communication breakdown.
Phrases to avoid: ‘It could be worse’ or ‘Just get on with it’
An ultimatum refers to a demand made by one partner, that if not met by the other, will lead to a breakup. This can be anything from marriage and children to moving in together or buying a home of your own. During a couples therapy session, issuing an ultimatum can put intense pressure on your partner and might even create a sense of unease in the relationship. When it comes to relationship milestones and big decisions, it’s best to approach with compromise and collaboration.
Phrases to avoid: ‘Change or I’m leaving’ or ‘If you don’t, I will have to break up with you’
Once you begin couples therapy, you need to be prepared to be an open book. If you aren’t transparent about your feelings, experiences, or past actions, it will hinder any progress in your therapy. Not sharing openly can make it challenging for you, your partner, and your therapist to resolve the issues at hand. Remember, to move forward you will need to be ready to discuss issues that brought you both here.
Phrases to avoid: ‘We don’t need to talk about that’ or ‘That’s not relevant’
Constantly interrupting your partner during couples therapy, and in everyday life, can often be a sign of disrespect. To have a productive session with your other half, you must remember to practice active listening and allow your partner to express themselves fully before you respond. If you feel the need to interrupt, think about whether or not your point could wait.
Phrases to consider instead of interrupting: ‘Could I please mention something’
Your body language can say just as much as your verbal communication does during couples therapy. Sitting with crossed arms, eye-rolling when your partner speaks on something that you don’t agree with as well as other dismissive body language can make your partner feel unheard or unimportant.
Positive body language to practice: Maintaining an open posture and making eye contact when appropriate
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